Why slut tho?
On sexless slut eras and sex as validation.
“thlut era” i whisper, as i pop my retainers in for the night - @cellapaz
There was a time when a small part of me despised the notion of a slut “era” altogether. Not that I begrudged the idea of anyone embracing their taboo desires, rejecting cultural confines and indulging sex positivity. What I despised was the idea that sluttery can only be palatable in small doses. That in order to stay socially acceptable, we’re allowed a chapter that we then put behind us. A fleeting moment of experimentation we talk about at parties later on - when we’re living our real lives.
I guess better something than nothing? Maybe we should be grateful we’ve found a methodology by which anyone can feel something like permission - and that way gain a little more understanding. And yet there’s still a persistent little nugget of annoyance in my gut that I’m trying to identify…
Maybe it’s the notion that my identity is something others get to pass through. That anyone can, on a whim, wear sluttery like an outfit to later grow out of. Being a slut is a part of who I am, and something that has been almost as costly as it has been rewarding. I didn’t do this quietly, but rather openly. I am not the sluttiest slut you’ll ever meet, but I sure am kicking that door open for others.
I am slut as advocate, as fighter on the frontlines, as revolutionary. Here I am as fervent leftist expressing discontent for the less-informed liberal. You, ma’am, with your little slut “era”. Cute little threesome after a few margaritas you got there. You are a tourist in the land I call home.
And yet, as I teased above, I am not the sluttiest of sluts. I don’t feel the need to “put up numbers” to qualify for my membership card. Nor do I find myself constantly seeking new people. My expansion in recent years has been progressive and intentional, not rushed or achievement-oriented. I’m careful not to treat the poly experience like Pokemon Go with people.
Being nonmonogamous in my personal life, and a practitioner in all things sex and relationship, I’m repeatedly confronted by different forms of promiscuity and exploration. I’m consistently doing the work of differentiation between myself and my partners, metas, friends in community, and clients. In all of those relationships, in different ways, I have to dismantle my judgment and bias, while also delicately identifying where and how to preserve safety in practice. It is a very tricky balance to navigate.
Am I being judgmental of my meta because I perceive them as a threat, or because their behaviors are actually reckless or dangerous in some way?
Am I supporting my client in their sexual exploration in a way that’s objective but that meets their individual needs, or am I inserting or projecting my experiences onto theirs?
Am I saying yes to this sexual experience because my partner thinks it’d be fun, or because I really want it?
Early in my nonmonogamy I was devoted to being “Good, Giving, and Game”. The early phase of one of my most significant anchor partnerships was defined by that commitment to being open and explorative. I enjoyed and benefited from the adventure of moving through play spaces with a partner. Had my partner not been panting eagerly by my side, I may not have slept with a lot of the people that I did. And for a while, I more or less GGGed myself into some erosion of self consent. It was hard not to lose parts of myself in what my partner(s) wanted.
So, naturally I started to unpack where the different motivations and desires came into play.
What did I truly want in what I was doing? What was mine and what was theirs?
Something I have to admit, on behalf of sluts everywhere, is that a lot of what we do is indeed for external validation. Maybe not nice or morally superior to say it, but let’s be real. Some of us (sometimes) fuck to feel good about ourselves.
However I don’t feel like my deepest impulses as a slut stem from that - but instead from the deep knowledge that wanting sex is normal. I was lucky to get a good sex education early, to narrowly avoid purity culture, to mostly grow up around people who didn’t heavily stigmatize sex. I have had a lot of sex in my life because I simply don’t see anything wrong with that. My experimentation was generally healthy, explorative, curious and relatively safe. I wasn’t particularly motivated by rebellion, trauma or even that much taboo.
That all said, I definitely embraced sex as validation for a long time. Early on. I simply wasn’t deemed attractive as a teenager. Then I…sort of…progressively…eventually…was. And I made a point to fuck a lot of the guys who suddenly perked up at my presence, who’d once overlooked me as the nerd in science class. It was an era (ahem) of ass backwards redemption.
But I grew out of that. I learned that hot people don’t necessarily fuck better. I learned to value myself in truly meaningful ways - beyond just someone, anyone, wanting me. I learned that once I obtained the currencies I’d been lacking, I no longer craved them in the same way. (At least not to that same extent - I don’t claim to be altogether immune.)
These days when I attend a play party and observe a particular someone who’s very eager to fuck - anyone and anything available all night - I gently question their motivation.
Is there an insatiable horny hunger you must feed? Are you looking to leave this night as stuffed full to the brim as possible - to stave off the starvation you’re constantly plagued by?
Is this simply what you think you’re supposed to do at a play party? Is there achievement in it? Are you sport fucking?
Do you feel fulfilled when serving others’ needs? Do you leave with a sense of profound gratification after pleasing many parties in a night?
And/or are you gathering as much external validation as you can in one night?
A known element of trauma work is the notion that judgment stems from unprocessed shame. So naturally I’m wary of the way the above inquiry stinks of judgment.
Is one motivation or expression of desire more valid than the other? Is there anything wrong with seeking validation through sex?
As a woman, the question of whether I sought sexual conquest as a means of validation is at the forefront. It’s not an inquiry I sought out so much as an accusation leveraged against me. The idea that a woman is only indulging sex to seek validation is culturally implied. So as someone who chose freedom, autonomy, promiscuity (complimentary) and adventure, I’ve been vigilant in my self awareness and intentionality.
—
Female Lovers by Egon Schiele
The way that I have sex changed dramatically when I let go of so much need for validation. I didn’t transform from slut to tradwife, but I did become much more discerning about how and who I played with.
And I choose the word “play” deliberately, because when the motive shifted, so did the definition and nature of the sex itself. Sex became more open and playful - because I centered a sense of safety above all else. I was more candid about what I wanted, slower in my approach, more vulnerable in general, and I stepped away from sex as performance and into the experience of sex as profound presence and transcendent pleasure. Attaining that sense of safety took delicate work, and I am priveleged to have safe spaces to play.
Circling back to something I gently touched on above, being nonmonogamous means digesting extra doses of differentiation. It can be very challenging, especially in nonmonogamous relationship, to contend with a partner’s need for external validation and their expression of that. Your nervous system’s reaction to those differences (sometimes rightly protecting you) can be a source of struggle and conflict.
Sometimes our partners and metas are not operating safely in their behaviors. And sometimes, we’re judging because jealousy is clouding our vision. Sometimes we have to watch and accept that our partners will do things that are entirely outside the scope of our own choices and behaviors.
Seeking validation through sex isn’t inherently wrong. When everyone involved is consenting and the transaction is mutual…by all means, have fun!
But our choices and motivations are always worth interrogating, especially when it comes to something like sex. To me, external validation is junk food. We’re all gonna indulge that shit throughout our lives. It fills us up, and does so quickly. But it’s not really nourishing. That surge of dopamine burns off fast.
Ultimately this inquiry brings me back to one of the most important values I’ve identified for myself as a card-carrying slut, that I hope most sluts can relate to. Being a slut isn’t actually about how much sex you’re having. It’s not a body count or a checklist or how many play parties you’ve been to. It’s about the radical act of claiming your right to choose. Demanding your autonomy.
The slut who defiantly canceled plans to stay in on a Friday night is exercising the same muscle as the slut proudly marching into the sex club. Both are operating from a place of agency. So maybe a slut era isn’t such a small thing after all. Maybe it’s a taste of permission.
Maybe the wisened slut writing this essay is simply giving herself permission to evolve in whatever direction lies ahead. And maybe - even if not all slut eras persist with promiscuity - we can all incorporate these chapters into the rest of our lives. We can build our lives around the notion of evolving desire, evolving autonomy. That, to me, is what it means to be a slut. It’s a hard-fought, persistent, expansive relationship with yourself.
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